Evven.Carrion

Just a few thoughts…

Archive for the tag “Family”

The Shack Place

I’m not really sure how to lead into this…I’m kind of stumped for clever intros. I’ve been stirring over this one for about 3 years now, but what I realized is that something had to happen to push me to finally blog about it. Just like they say, everything comes around full circle somehow? Well, here’s the story.

On February 2nd, 2009, I was sitting at lunch with my dad and his best lady friend when he suddenly stopped breathing. Just like that-blue in the face. It still kind of boggles my mind about the whole scenario, but by now we should all know that life is seriously nuts. As a 26 year-old grad student who thought her dad hung the moon, I gave him mouth-to-mouth without even really thinking about what I was actually doing. As fate would have it, that would be the last day that I saw my dad alive.

The next little while is somewhat of a blur…family, crying, disbelief. The reason that I’m talking about this, though, is not to tell the story of how my dad died; I remember sitting in my room with my cousin that night feeling very uneasy for my dad. I mean, was he scared? Did he know? Was there a dream the night before? Think of someone in your life that you talk about everything with. Nothing is off limits. That was me and my dad. So I wanted some answers.

I felt somewhat robbed. Afterall, he was my person, my friend, my dad, my rock. How could he just be taken from me like that, you know? I was battling some topics with myself that I had never even considered. People in my life had died before him, but no one that close to me. I was about to start a journey that at the time I didn’t even recognize.

My parents raised us Catholic so we would have a “backbone” in case we ever got lost and needed to come back to base (what?). I did as most other kids in my small town, and went through the motions of catechism, confirmation,  and church when we could make it. I appreciate the background, don’t get me wrong, but I was clueless for what I would embark on as an adult. So time went on after my dad died, and I didn’t really act on all my curiosity that I expressed that night with my cousin. My auntie was very helpful and generous, offering me books to read and emails. But nothing was sinking in yet. It wasn’t until a good friend from back home suggested I read “The Shack” that things started to change for me. I won’t give away what happens in the book, but I’ll tell you how it rocked my world.

As I said, I felt very possessive of my dad. I never blamed God for anything…but I didn’t know God either. Reading “The Shack” helped me realize that just because Ron Carrion was my dad here on earth doesn’t change the fact that both of us are God’s children, and we are on separate spiritual journeys. I can’t interfere, control, change, understand, comprehend anyone else’s journey with God…even his. I learned to let go a little bit, and trust in something bigger than I could ever imagine. It has to be! Look at what he gave me for a dad.

A dear friend recently committed suicide, Anthony Lostra. When I found out, I felt myself return back to that place, that place in my heart, with my cousin in my room. That place of fear, unknown, and inquisition. Only this time I had something to reference. I don’t think it ever gets easier, dealing with loss. I have dreams where I am on the phone with my dad in heaven. Like I just call him up and he answers. Crazy right?! But like I said before, relationships never end, they just change. I have to trust God and Anthony that they knew each other, and what was going on. He is on his own journey that maybe I’m not meant to understand, or anyone.

Maybe you don’t believe in God, which is totally OK. I’m not pushing my belief or religion here. All I’m sayin is some pretty big events had to happen in my life to make me take spiritual inventory. No matter how painful they have been, I am grateful that they happened. What I thought was a “backbone” was really just a wishbone, so I had to make some serious tweaks. For me, I find comfort in knowing that I can’t control anyone else’s path, especially someone as wild as Ron Carrion. I also find comfort in knowing that we will see each other again…Anthony and my dad, just to name a few.

Change

Humans hate change; whether it’s coin change or life change, we avoid it by nature. Quarters are legit, but we’d probably break a dollar before we took the time to fish for coins. The irony of this fact is that change is the only constant in life. Nothing is permanent but change.

It’s easy to get lost in the routine. Maybe you’re having the time of your life and you never want the experience to end. Or maybe it’s the worst time of your life, and you can’t imagine how you’re going to get out of the misery. I’ve had both-I have both.

What do you need? Is it the same thing you needed before? Have you changed possibly? It’s OK to have liked your job for a while, but now you want a new challenge. If we are constantly changing as people with what we want, need, desire, crave, then it’s only natural for relationships to possibly do that too. You owe it to yourself to ask YOU first what you’re needing. Take inventory of what’s going on inside…and be welcome to what you hear.

Relationships never end, but simply change. This is a biggy for me because it’s hard to not have my dad physically here for me to see. He’ll always be my dad, and I’ll always be able to talk to him, but it’s a hard concept to grasp that spiritually we’re in two different places right now. Our relationship wasn’t cut off when he passed away, its dynamics have just changed. Have you ever gone to pick up the phone to call someone and realized that they won’t be on the other end? It’s huge! This goes for past relationships, too. Even though you’re “ex’s,” your relationship has been established; even though you may not see or speak to your ex, that’s the current status of your relationship. It’s how we grow and change as people to move forward from what we may not need anymore. Don’t hang on to something or someone because you’re afraid of losing the feeling, or the person, or the connection. It will be there forever, just maybe showing itself differently.

If we look at life on a continuum of highs and lows, and constant change, then we won’t feel stuck or worried that this, right now, is forever. This too shall pass…even the best of times are bound the end-but they will come back again.

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