Evven.Carrion

Just a few thoughts…

Change

Humans hate change; whether it’s coin change or life change, we avoid it by nature. Quarters are legit, but we’d probably break a dollar before we took the time to fish for coins. The irony of this fact is that change is the only constant in life. Nothing is permanent but change.

It’s easy to get lost in the routine. Maybe you’re having the time of your life and you never want the experience to end. Or maybe it’s the worst time of your life, and you can’t imagine how you’re going to get out of the misery. I’ve had both-I have both.

What do you need? Is it the same thing you needed before? Have you changed possibly? It’s OK to have liked your job for a while, but now you want a new challenge. If we are constantly changing as people with what we want, need, desire, crave, then it’s only natural for relationships to possibly do that too. You owe it to yourself to ask YOU first what you’re needing. Take inventory of what’s going on inside…and be welcome to what you hear.

Relationships never end, but simply change. This is a biggy for me because it’s hard to not have my dad physically here for me to see. He’ll always be my dad, and I’ll always be able to talk to him, but it’s a hard concept to grasp that spiritually we’re in two different places right now. Our relationship wasn’t cut off when he passed away, its dynamics have just changed. Have you ever gone to pick up the phone to call someone and realized that they won’t be on the other end? It’s huge! This goes for past relationships, too. Even though you’re “ex’s,” your relationship has been established; even though you may not see or speak to your ex, that’s the current status of your relationship. It’s how we grow and change as people to move forward from what we may not need anymore. Don’t hang on to something or someone because you’re afraid of losing the feeling, or the person, or the connection. It will be there forever, just maybe showing itself differently.

If we look at life on a continuum of highs and lows, and constant change, then we won’t feel stuck or worried that this, right now, is forever. This too shall pass…even the best of times are bound the end-but they will come back again.

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Confidence: Part II

Since I’ve already touched on confidence in a previous post, I’ll call this part II, even though part I is simply a quote. The quote says, “The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them.”  Think back to a decision you recently made. Did someone around you influence it? Was it a decision you thought you “should” make instead of what you whole-heartedly wanted to do? Think about your decision-making skills for a moment…

If your anything like me, part of you is somewhat of a people-pleaser; but not any kind of people-pleaser. You make decisions based on what you think others want you to do. Friends or family members aren’t even offering their opinion. They may be saying things like, “do what’s best for you,” or “it’s your life, not mine.” But due to faulty decision-making skills or poor patterns you’ve developed over the years, you have based your life partly on the approval of others. As a result, you subconsciously live based on you think others will approve of.

I have good news! Two things: First, most of the time, others don’t care what you do as long as you’re safe, happy, and healthy. Seriously, your friends and family aren’t putting ANY thought into your decisions because they’re busy making their own. What a relief, right? It’s you putting extra, unnecessary thought into this process because you’re lacking a very important ingredient, which brings up the next point. Second, confidence will solve this decision-making dilemma; it’s a game changer. This is the gold that backs up your decisions. Let’s talk about this for a sec.

This goes all the way back to Big Bird on Saturday mornings…be confident, be original, be yourself. Ok, but what does confidence look like in an average day? It looks like this-making decisions from your gut instinct and nowhere else and declaring it with pride. Don’t doubt yourself when you know more than anyone what’s best for you, so shout it to the rooftops if you have to. Who knows, it might not end like you envision or hope, but it’s all part of your journey! And your journey is a mystery to everyone…even you.

Make decisions knowing that you are the sole owner and ultimate judge. A rewarding life is that of lessons, growth, change, and reflection. Owning your decisions with confidence makes your life authentic. No explanations necessary.

The “F” Word

When I was about 10 years old, maybe a little older, my Dad slammed me in the door at our family’s restaurant. Not just my hand or my arm, but pretty much half my body. We were running around and he didn’t know I was behind him, and he shut the door with me in it. I think I was more shocked than injured, which is crazy considering the size of my father. He felt terrible, I was crying, he apologized, I forgave him. He obviously didn’t intentionally sandwich his youngest child in between the wall and the door, so how could I be mad at him? After all, he IS the kindest man that ever lived; but at 28, it’s still very much unforgettable. I forgave, but never forgot.
Forgiveness isn’t always easy, mostly because we don’t know where to start. Not all situations are cut & dry, black & white. What does it even mean, really? If I wrong you, and you forgive me but not forget what I did, and every time you see me you’re reminded of what happened, did you really forgive me? Whoa! It gets kind of blurry.
I try and look at situations in terms of what part I am responsible for. How did I help create/propel/act/react to lead it to where it resulted? We all know someone who points the finger and blames everyone else for misfortune or mistake. There’s a time frame before that happens when we can pause and take ownership for our role in every moment. People are people, and you know exactly what I mean! We get hurt, we wrong each other, we fight, and we change relationships forever. It’s not intentional; it just happens. We ALL get slammed in a door. Before you run around blaming others, stop and think about what you did to allow the situation. I knew my Dad didn’t know I was behind him, but did I yell, “Dad! I’m behind you!” No. So was it completely his fault for shutting the door behind him with me in it? Absolutely not.
Most often we need to start by forgiving ourselves before we can forgive others. Forgive yourself for taking a risk. Forgive yourself for making a decision that didn’t end how you hoped. Forgive yourself for not setting boundaries when necessary. Forgive yourself for following someone through a door. YOU’RE HUMAN! The day we stop learning is the day we stop living, right? We always look for the best in others, and sometimes we get disappointed. Rather trust and get burned then never trust and never know; that’s what gives us dimension.

So the next time you say you’ve forgiven someone, make sure you’ve forgiven yourself first. Take ownership of your percentage of the event, and really think about how you stand. Forgiveness is not an emotion.  It’s a choice. It’s a verb. It’s a conscious action. It’ll make you better friends with yourself.

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Comparison is a Thief

Somewhere along the line, between second grade and adulthood, comparisons became subjective. We were comparing what the family was doing in photo A to photo B, and how many sides an octagon had to a pentagon. Now, we’re comparing our jobs, our income, our homes, and our whole lives. It’s inevitable for us to make comparisons in order to make better decisions, but it’s not inevitable for us to compare ourselves to others.

It started happening before we even knew it! When we were young, we watched television, listen to music, and read magazines that made us subconsciously compare ourselves to those characters. It’s wasn’t all negative; I loved thinking about how my life was like “Full House”! I mean, who didn’t secretly want to be one of the kids on “Kids, INC.”? Completely natural. I don’t want to get into marketing schemes and target audiences…but that was definitely a huge part of where this whole thing started.

That innocent, unconscious-subconscious has manifested itself into our society, full throttle. We not only compare ourselves to what we see on the cover of a magazine (which isn’t even real), but we compare ourselves to our neighbors. The latter is probably more of an issue. The term “Keeping up with the Jones’” has become keeping up with the Smiths, Fords, and every other name in the cul-de-sac. How can you live your own, unique, organic, original, one-of-a-kind life if you’re mimicking everything someone else does? There is only one YOU. God made only one you. No matter how much we try to act, be, portray, live, or follow the life of others, our spirit will seep through and we will still be original under the surface. So why not just shine? Why not simply fly your flag?

I love having Facebook. I think it’s great. BUT, be honest, do you sometimes look at others’ pages and wish you had something they had? I mean, it’s the foolproof way of stalking someone and not getting caught! The next time you catch yourself doing this, which I’m guilty of 100%, think about how you feel. Stop, take inventory, and think about if you feel good or bad. If you were your own best friend, would you allow your friend to feel bad about themself or their life? Absolutely not! The same goes for reading a magazine, or watching reality TV. Do it for enjoyment. Period. Quit denying yourself the opportunity to love your life because you’re caught up in what those around you are doing. What’s that saying by Regina Brett… “If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.”  You only have ONE life, and one body. It’s special and solely owned by YOU. Do yourself a solid and make it different than anyone else’s in the entire world.

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Confidence

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Leave Your Shoulds at the Door!

There’s someone very special that recently came into my life, and once a week, we have very a meaningful conversation. We really don’t have very much time to chat, so we squeeze a lot of information into a short amount of time. For sake of the story, let’s refer to this person as Jazz. Her name is Jazz.

Jazz and I talk a lot about what the word “should”. People throw “should” around like it’s already etched in stone what the guidelines are. I “should” do laundry; I “should” wash my car. What’s even worse are the “should not’s”. Here’s the perfect example: “I really “should not” be watching TV right now.” In other words, I’m tisk-tisking myself? How does that work? I thought I can make my own decisions?

The way that I envision what’s happening here is that we have developed an imaginary Rule Book that floats around with us. Think about all the decisions you beat yourself up over making. “I shouldn’t have eaten that piece of cake…” or “I should have spent more time working in the yard this week.”  Now you have to punish yourself even more by working out for an extra 30 minutes? That sounds awful! Who is actually telling you that you “should” do things?

Jazz says, “Don’t should all over yourself.” All this does is make us feel guilt, regret, and angst to make up for things we’ve done. It’s possible that having a piece of cake doesn’t make you feel very good afterwards. Take inventory of how you feel, log it in your brain, and move on. But no one else in the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD cares about how many pieces of cake you eat.

Start making decisions based on what feels right. Take a second, turn off your head and heart, and listen to your gut. What does your gut tell you to do? Get rid of everyone else’s opinions, including your own! Your opinion is usually clouded by “shoulds” and advice you have seeked from others. Just because someone gave you their opinion does not mean they will judge you when you choose the opposite. I know we’re using cake as an example, but this could be much deeper.

What about when picking a partner? It’s common for people to say, “You should date so-and-so.” Or we tell ourselves, “I should like so-and-so because of A, B, and C reasons.” NO YOU SHOULDN’T! Don’t make decisions based on “shoulds”…all it will do is leave you resentful, lost, and mad at yourself. Find a quiet place, turn off the world, and listen to your inner voice from your gut. I’m a person who is extremely hard on myself in every aspect of life. I have trouble being nice to myself, and making friends with me. But Jazz’s advice has been extremely helpful. I catch myself using “should” when I’m talking, and it makes me stop and think, “Who says if I should or shouldn’t do this?” I’m the boss of me, and you’re the boss of you. That’s the way it IS.

Welcome!

Should I apologize in advance? I’m not quite sure what this blog will be about. I would say relationships because I LOVE talking about relationships.  But I also LOVE talking about how people tick, so maybe it’ll be about people. Then again, I LOVE talking about food, and makeup, and wine, and conflict…family, business, working out, coincidence, chance- LIFE!

Welcome to my blog. I love putting thoughts into words that may move others. How amazing is it when you read a sentence that makes you stop dead in your tracks? That’s what I want to do for you. I think that’s what I want to do in life. There are few things more rewarding then inspiring another human being. My favorite, though, is when I make someone’s wheels spin, or turn the light bulb on. We all have our own story; we carry around our experiences in our own suitcase, wagon, knapsack, satchel, or wallet (not me, that’s way too small. Even my smallest clutch is still pretty big!) I hope that you can take something from what I share here. If it’s simply a chuckle or an eye roll, at least I got a reaction. Remember…I’m just trying to move, shake, inspire any way that I can. Start something new today, even if it’s putting the left foot in the sock first instead of the right one.  Just do it.

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